There's diddly on telly, so whip up a frothy Horlicks, slice up the Battenberg, and let's have a look at sectors. Breaking it down into Schoolwear, Corporate and Workwear, Charity and Fashion - what are we in, what do we want to be in, and do we give a monkey's nut bag?

Well perhaps we should - as we prepare to bat on an increasingly sticky wicket, with the likelihood of ball tampering, presumably we should be speaking a very specific message to very specific groups of people, in the hope that someone might hear us and place an order, which would be nice.

Here are some ups and downs......

First in the queue outside Stinker's office, School Wear: my youngest son, Rambo, is living proof that there is a constant requirement for this stuff, and not just because they keep growing out of it. He demonstrated this recently, returning home from shooting his third film in the series, ‘Rambo, Through a Hedge Backwards'. He assures me this is a significant improvement on ‘Rambo and the Mud Men' and ‘Rambo and the Pocket of Dog Dirt', but the end sequence is the same, featuring our hero being hosed down on the drive prior to the bill for a new uniform - the phrase ‘repeat orders' comes to mind.

And this isn't the only attraction: in spite of the current UK truancy levels and children's inability to locate simple things like their hands and feet, I doubt that schools are hard to find - so at least you can pin point your customer; and once you're in there the requirement isn't complex...'Can we have some red sweatshirts with our school crest on please?' Mmmmm that's a toughie; the repeat orders are simple - when you've got the embroidery disk ‘Spelling est Optionare' made up, it's a quick and easy re-run; and my house looks like the set from Oliver - kids are all over the place, it's a big market. How many ‘ups' do you want? Let's change our name to Fagin's School Outfitters, order some finger-less gloves and a shiny new clay pipe. I'll be guided by my school wear counterparts on this, but all that said I wonder if it's just a bit too easy.....what about the downs? Doesn't it mean that everyone's at it, especially a bloke called George who works at somewhere called ASDA? Is competition horrendous, and is there more margin to be had selling jazz mags in a monastery (don't answer that one)?

So what about the pros and cons of the Corporate and Work Wear sectors? Shirts, blouses, skid resistant pants, anti arse over tit boots.... There are plenty of ups: in more and more industries it's a requirement rather than an option so it's a growing market; some companies will have specialist technical needs, lint free jumpers and anti static socks, so you can become expert in certain fields; and presumably if your keywords are TIES TIES TIES you should get a tie enquiry, so easy web site positioning - all you need to ice the bun is to develop a recession proof waistcoat, and you're on your way to Lootville.

The only down side I can think of is the increased risk of speaking to corporate types who may at any time, ‘Park the Porsche, get their skill ball stuck in the long grass, not wash their own face, fall out of bed, go south, run a flag up the pole to see if it flies' and generally talk out of their spotty public schoolboy bottoms.

But if those recession proof waistcoats don't work and we're all off down the Rock and Roll Office, we're going to need the Charity Sector.

I love those boys don't you....‘To raise money for skanking dole dodgers with reclining leather sofas and 73 foot plasma screen TV's, a team from Skanking Dole Dodger Relief are off on a sponsored pot holing expedition. We will require the donation of rubber gloves, ropes, hard hats, chocolates, and two hundred T-shirts with a 19 colour discharge print plus gold foil, gloss and glitter. In return for supplying this buck shee, we will of course allow you to print your own sponsors logo under the arm pit - your company branding is guaranteed to be seen by as many as three bats, and a spider'

What an exciting offer - your heart will be beating like a whippet in a bowler hat. But I paint a muddy picture - nothing wrong with the chariddy sector. It can mean large print runs, at sensible prices (they still want a nice T that people will want to buy and wear), and you get to be all carey sharey fluffy and go home feeling clean and decent. Plus, and it's a big plus, if you've just done a job for the Reverend Doogood at the Church of Lovely, you should get paid.

Which brings us finally into the fur lined changing cubicle of a sector I hope I am allowed to comment on - fashion. Allegedly it's all my fault that as a company we stumbled through this particular tradesman's entrance. For a heterosexual, my work mates tell me I'm over sensitive to the incorrect use of soft furnishings, have an unhealthy relationship with fine gauge knitwear, and can be too appreciative when receiving fresh flowers. Nonsense, and they can say what they like, thanks to me the cravat will make its triumphant return.

But is it a sector you want to be in? On the up-side you can learn to speak a very specific language to all the niches in the field. My inability to start sentences with ‘Whappen' and finish with ‘Word' or ‘Peace' was a barrier to the Hip Hop market, but in spite of that I am now referred to as Blood, and an honorary member of The Peckham Massive...tru dat.

Your in-depth knowledge of the ranges from All Saints to Zev Couture should mean you'll be able to charge a touch more for knowing who needs the softest of prints and who needs a bullet stopping plastisol; as brands grow (and pigs fly) you should see increasing order sizes, and hey, you get to see your T-s worn by guitar bands with burst mattress hair do's and spotty soap stars - what more do you want?

There is only one down side - expect a lot of calls from Tristram, who's been studying Finger Puppets at Bum Fluff College Oxford. He's got hold of his Mum's credit card and he's launching a new fashion range. Interestingly, although his email states that he's the CEO of Global Big Ideas Inc, his delivery address is Aunty Maureen, Meat Pie Cottage, Rotherham.... and he will take up enough of your time to wipe out an entire year's profit.

Conclusion? I'm not sure it matters - pick a sector, pick any sector, but most importantly perhaps we need to make sure that as a company, we entirely look like we belong in the sector we've chosen. Especially at the moment - people would rather receive a bad news call from the clap clinic than a telephone sales pitch, a brochure or an eflyer. With that in mind, is the easiest way to sell to really look like who we are, and gradually the business will come to us? Sounds obvious, but we certainly got that wrong for years. We looked like a bunch of failed mechanics trying to bake a cake - messy, and no one believed in us.

But not any more - I'm off to buy some fresh flowers, and please send all your un-wanted silken fripperies to the ‘Paul Stephenson Home.....for Retired Cravats'.

Cheers, Paul

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